Hello.
A major neglect of this recently, but things have been pretty manic and over the last few days I've only been home to sleep pretty much. Probably not best seeing as I am in the middle of all my exams and haven't revised properly yet. I wish I cared more, I might get somewhere.
I seem to have missed the point of study leave as currently I've been at 18th birthday parties and just lazy in the sun with good company for the past few days, or working - so short of money it's unbelievable - the £70 pair of boots from Topshop may not have been best thing to buy this month! It is quite annoying those because the glorious sunshine has come out again (hello sunburn!) and I've been trying to revise in the sun but it's too hard. My brain cant concentrate in the heat, but I don't want to go inside because then I wont be getting a tan! History exam in a day and a bit - so screwed but I'm hoping I'll have a burst of inspiration in the exam room and remember everything about Stalin Russia and American Civil Rights..I can dream..
After a conversation I was having the other day about showing people you care, I realised how much words hurt. I think I'm quite an affectionate person, I like to show people I care through things like hugging and whatever and when people show they care about me I understand physical affection more than words, it's harder to misunderstand a hug or get it twisted round in your head. I think words are such a delicate thing, they have to be chosen so carefully and said in just the right way so people understand them properly. I just think people can be so careless with words like people frequently use 'I love you' to others they don't actually really love, and yes I am being slightly hypocritical because I do it but surely that just emphasises my point? When it comes down to it telling someone I love them, in the proper sense, is really hard for me. In the two occasions when I believed I loved someone, I have never been the first to say it, even if I've felt it for ages. It's such a big thing I couldn't stand the rejection of them not saying it back, and even now when I say it I get scared it wont be said back. So words can be so fucking powerful, more than anything else in the world because they can be brutally honest, carelessly used, misunderstood, twisted..among other things. The best way to show someone you care is probably to say the words that are floating round your heart and mind when you think about them, the words that if they get rejected will clutch at your insides or if they are accepted it'll leave you in a state of shock. We all need a bit of honesty in our lives. When it comes down to it and I should express what I'm feeling through words, I can never find them. Or it takes me ages to find them and when I do it's too late. I need to invent a wire that people can plug into my head and understand what I'm thinking and what I want to say, but then sometimes my thoughts scare even more. I don't want to scare anyone.
I'm in a incredibly pensive and I hate it. I hate thinking about the stupidest things, I need to think about proper things like learning my History course and working out my budget for the month. But instead I sit and think about how ungrateful we are for the life we have, I have so many luxuries that some of the worlds population couldn't even dream of! And yet I never sit back and just be thankful for the roof over my head, the food I eat, the Internet I use..I just assume it will always be there. One of the main dreams is to go and do something for people in poverty, help build a well with clean drinking water, teach children in the Third World English, anything that will improve their lives in the slightest. I want to be able to give someone the hope in a better future that everyone deserves, instead of just taking everything for granted? Anyway, Monday is seeming like a very long day for some reason probably because I've hardly slept and it's felt like afternoon all day because of the fan-bloody-tastic sunshine! I love summer, despite the fact I burn too easily, my hay fever goes mental and I get bitten to pieces, it makes me happy. I love waking up to clear skies, days of not doing anything and just enjoying life. Everyone is happy in the sun.
I got told today that everything is finally going to be changing, after over a year of waiting things are moving on. It's good, I think. So maybe by Christmas my life will be very different, we will see. I do like change, it keeps life interesting and shows us different ways to grow.
If you haven't heard it listen to Paramore - The Only Exception, I flipping love that song! Must have listened to it about 20times today alone. Also getting into The Fray again, think it's because they are pretty relaxing to listen to whilst your sat in the deck chair in the garden..
I hope you are all enjoying the sunshine, not getting to sun burnt and are happy.
Because today there have been too many words.
In A While Crocodile.
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