I Have Moved..

Hello.

I have moved the blog over to Tumblr, it makes things easier. If you want to carry on reading I'll be posting random thoughts and ramblings at http://optimisticfailures.tumblr.com/ .

In A While Crocodile.

Dance, Dance To The Robot

Hello.

"We're all a little bit broken." That is pretty true, well actually it's very true. I firmly believe nobody is 'perfect', and if someone was perfect, would we believe it? Surely part of being human is being that little bit broken, having lots of little small things that need fixing by perhaps one single special person or many people? Our little flaws make us who we are, they are the bits that make us quirky, different and been seen as a damn right individual in this world of nomothetic generalisations . Take away my broken bits and I'll be a clone of your ideals and aspirations. We are all made from small bits of stardust, so what if we don't all shine with the same intensity? I'd rather be a small star in a sky of big ones, than not be a star at all. I'm tired of being told I'm broken like it's a bad thing.

In A While Crocodile.

Who Did You Last Dream Of?

Hello.

It's been a while, hasn't it? I just couldn't write whilst everything was happening and if I had carried on then I think it would have just been too much, almost too personal? The fact this is so anonymous, hardly anybody reads this and most of the time it never makes sense just makes its so much easier. To sum, I thought everything was going to change but it hasn't, the delights of shock tactics worked and I'm back. I just wish some things had changed. The feelings haven't gone, I'm still a disappointment to you all and in all honestly I don't think you ever truly wanted me back, did you?
Finally exams are over, the British weather has been glorious - hello tan lines and freckles (:, A2 has started and it's less than 17days till we break up for summer. Regrettably though my teachers have forgotten that summer is reserved purely for socialising, holiday-ing and most of all relaxing. I have my Extended Project research to - the ethics of abortion make for fantastic summer reading - History coursework, English Literature coursework, plus any Psychology they happen to throw our way. Fun, fun. Friday we had a lecture on how important attendance is this year and September will be vital, I don't think my week off right at the beginning of term is going to go down too well then! Never mind, I'd rather spend 2 what look to be fantastic weeks out in Canada and catch up later. Life is too short, I'm not going to miss opportunities anymore. Already looking forward to summer 2011! Possible week abroad with just the girls, will be pure heaven, just depends if we can get it sorted and all the money together.
The moments of complete and utter insecurity keep coming back and I dont know how to make them go away. You've done nothing wrong and I trust you to the end of the world and back again, but I dont trust them. Doesnt the fact they want to talk again and meet up mean something to you? How do I know that what I'm giving you is enough and they arent able to give you more? I dont want to hold you back when someone like you deserves the very best. The scary thing is everything I say I never want in the future, you make me want it all with you. That scares me so much, how can one person have that effect on someone else? 
Ever get the feeling your drifitng from someone? I had that for a while but tonight just proved to me that if you put the effort in then the time you spend together is just as incredible as it ever was. You can pretend like your a walrus with chopsticks, you can make smiley faces with your left over puddings, you can play with a toy car at a train station you found and most importantly you can sit back and really think: You are my best friend, and you are worth every wierd look we get from everyone else.
It's getting late and my thoughts are becoming scrawled, incoherent lines on a computer screen. I have missed writing, makes me feel a little bit better every time I finish.

I'd quite like to go explore Narnia soon, and sit by Mr Tumnus's fire for a while.

In A While Crocodile.

Goodbye For Now

Hello.

This is going to be the last post for a while. Things have just taken a massive U-Turn in my life and I dont know what is going to happen. Thank you for reading this, and I hope you enjoyed it.

In A While Crocodile.

Letters to No One.

Hello.

Dear Exam Boards,
I hate you. I'm sorry, but it is true. You make me severly unhappy and stressed at a time when everything is all sunny and nice in the world. I can't go out and be social, I can't sleep, my hand hurts from writing, my brain suffers a nervous breakdown at just the thought of spending 2hours in an exam room. It's unfair. I understand we have to be assessed and get grades to move on with our lives, surely it can be done in a nicer way? A collection of class tests, coursework, overall assessment of our attitude over the year...just a few suggestions there. Also I would like an A-Level option for Harry Potter, that would be much less stressful and I'd have the happiest 2hours of my life in the exam. Sort it out please?
Yours Sincerly,
A Stressed, Tired and Angry AS Student.

Dear Me,
Get some willpower. Get a backbone. Stop putting your head in the sand and sort yourself out. Only you can get yourself out of this mess so start putting things right. Do you realise how much trouble you will get in if she finds out what your doing? Make it worth it if you get caught, they aren't going to magic it away, you need to work as well. When you want to ask something, ask. It's not the end of the world if the answer isnt what you want to hear. It's life, deal with it. Also stop leaving your windows open in the evening, moths come in and freak you out. Stop blogging when you are meant to be revising as well.
Bye,
Me.

Dear Men In Vans/Cars/ On Bikes,
Please don't beep your horns at me when you drive past as I'm waiting for my bus after work. It shows you to be perverted twat who clearly has the smallest penis in the world. Girls don't like getting beeped at, it doesnt make us feel good. So don't do it or I will come round to you house and slash your tires and cut off your tiny manhood. Thanks.
The Girl At The Bus Stop

Dear The People I Work With,
Thank you for complimenting me on my dress today. It is new and I wasn't sure about it, but now I think I'll keep it. Thank you for not telling me off for forgetting my name badge again, I was very tired this morning. Also I like working with you, the job is pretty boring but you make it a laugh. And it helps that the Boss doesn't mind that we all take the piss out of him.
The Weekend Receptionist

Dear The Sunshine,
You make me happy, and red like a lobster because I forget suncream. Please stick around?
A Very Pink Girl

In A While Crocodile.

It All Goes Back To The First Kiss.

Hello.

Do you ever wonder what would be different if your first love was someone else? Would you be the same person you are now? Would it be a different person phoning you every night to say goodnight? Would we even know what love is? Everybody has a past and it's strange to think when you meet them, they are already like a whole book and your just a new chapter in it. Sometimes I think that that makes us second best in a way. You will never know if what you do together is just a repeat of what happened before with someone, the only way we get through it is to believe every moment is new. It's hard to believe sometimes. Sorry I was thinking about that at work today..
Oh rain why have you come back? I do love the smell of the world after rain but still I like sunshine more! Resisting the urge to go dance in it right now is pretty hard though, I'd get soaked within seconds. Hopefully though when it stops we'll see a few rainbows. And I have to be thankful the rain held off till today, otherwise my surprise walk round Danebury Hill Fort wouldn't have happened on Wednesday!

After a very stressful day of exams, History went awful - question were good and what I had revised but I completely ran out of time and so my essays had to be cut off half way through, my boyfriend gave me a wonderful evening consisting of a walk, kite flying, dinner at his, then off to the cinema. Prince of Persia is alright, I've seen better but still pretty good. Then went out for dinner last night at my favourite restaurant, Wagamamas. I'm so lucky to have him, I think why I am so worried all the time. So been a good few days, excluding exam stress. And also my new Elle has arrived, yet to be read but not for long! Got in too late last night to start it then.

I hope this picture made you laugh as much as it did me.

In A While Crocodile.

The End Of Time Is The Start Of Eternity

Hello.

A major neglect of this recently, but things have been pretty manic and over the last few days I've only been home to sleep pretty much. Probably not best seeing as I am in the middle of all my exams and haven't revised properly yet. I wish I cared more, I might get somewhere.

I seem to have missed the point of study leave as currently I've been at 18th birthday parties and just lazy in the sun with good company for the past few days, or working - so short of money it's unbelievable - the £70 pair of boots from Topshop may not have been best thing to buy this month! It is quite annoying those because the glorious sunshine has come out again (hello sunburn!) and I've been trying to revise in the sun but it's too hard. My brain cant concentrate in the heat, but I don't want to go inside because then I wont be getting a tan! History exam in a day and a bit - so screwed but I'm hoping I'll have a burst of inspiration in the exam room and remember everything about Stalin Russia and American Civil Rights..I can dream..

After a conversation I was having the other day about showing people you care, I realised how much words hurt.  I think I'm quite an affectionate person, I like to show people I care through things like hugging and whatever and when people show they care about me I understand physical affection more than words, it's harder to misunderstand a hug or get it twisted round in your head. I think words are such a delicate thing, they have to be chosen so carefully and said in just the right way so people understand them properly. I just think people can be so careless with words like people frequently use 'I love you' to others they don't actually really love, and yes I am being slightly hypocritical because I do it but surely that just emphasises my point? When it comes down to it telling someone I love them, in the proper sense, is really hard for me. In the two occasions when I believed I loved someone, I have never been the first to say it, even if I've felt it for ages. It's such a big thing I couldn't stand the rejection of them not saying it back, and even now when I say it I get scared it wont be said back. So words can be so fucking powerful, more than anything else in the world because they can be brutally honest, carelessly used, misunderstood, twisted..among other things. The best way to show someone you care is probably to say the words that are floating round your heart and mind when you think about them, the words that if they get rejected will clutch at your insides or if they are accepted it'll leave you in a state of shock. We all need a bit of honesty in our lives. When it comes down to it and I should express what I'm feeling through words, I can never find them. Or it takes me ages to find them and when I do it's too late. I need to invent a wire that people can plug into my head and understand what I'm thinking and what I want to say, but then sometimes my thoughts scare even more. I don't want to scare anyone.

I'm in a incredibly pensive and I hate it. I hate thinking about the stupidest things, I need to think about proper things like learning my History course and working out my budget for the month. But instead I sit and think about how ungrateful we are for the life we have, I have so many luxuries that some of the worlds population couldn't even dream of! And yet I never sit back and just be thankful for the roof over my head, the food I eat, the Internet I use..I just assume it will always be there. One of the main dreams is to go and do something for people in poverty, help build a well with clean drinking water, teach children in the Third World English, anything that will improve their lives in the slightest. I want to be able to give someone the hope in a better future that everyone deserves, instead of just taking everything for granted?
Anyway, Monday is seeming like a very long day for some reason probably because I've hardly slept and it's felt like afternoon all day because of the fan-bloody-tastic sunshine! I love summer, despite the fact I burn too easily, my hay fever goes mental and I get bitten to pieces, it makes me happy. I love waking up to clear skies, days of not doing anything and just enjoying life. Everyone is happy in the sun.
I got told today that everything is finally going to be changing, after over a year of waiting things are moving on. It's good, I think. So maybe by Christmas my life will be very different, we will see. I do like change, it keeps life interesting and shows us different ways to grow.
If you haven't heard it listen to Paramore - The Only Exception, I flipping love that song! Must have listened to it about 20times today alone. Also getting into The Fray again, think it's because they are pretty relaxing to listen to whilst your sat in the deck chair in the garden..
I hope you are all enjoying the sunshine, not getting to sun burnt and are happy.

Because today there have been too many words.

In A While Crocodile.