It All Goes Back To The First Kiss.

Hello.

Do you ever wonder what would be different if your first love was someone else? Would you be the same person you are now? Would it be a different person phoning you every night to say goodnight? Would we even know what love is? Everybody has a past and it's strange to think when you meet them, they are already like a whole book and your just a new chapter in it. Sometimes I think that that makes us second best in a way. You will never know if what you do together is just a repeat of what happened before with someone, the only way we get through it is to believe every moment is new. It's hard to believe sometimes. Sorry I was thinking about that at work today..
Oh rain why have you come back? I do love the smell of the world after rain but still I like sunshine more! Resisting the urge to go dance in it right now is pretty hard though, I'd get soaked within seconds. Hopefully though when it stops we'll see a few rainbows. And I have to be thankful the rain held off till today, otherwise my surprise walk round Danebury Hill Fort wouldn't have happened on Wednesday!

After a very stressful day of exams, History went awful - question were good and what I had revised but I completely ran out of time and so my essays had to be cut off half way through, my boyfriend gave me a wonderful evening consisting of a walk, kite flying, dinner at his, then off to the cinema. Prince of Persia is alright, I've seen better but still pretty good. Then went out for dinner last night at my favourite restaurant, Wagamamas. I'm so lucky to have him, I think why I am so worried all the time. So been a good few days, excluding exam stress. And also my new Elle has arrived, yet to be read but not for long! Got in too late last night to start it then.

I hope this picture made you laugh as much as it did me.

In A While Crocodile.

The End Of Time Is The Start Of Eternity

Hello.

A major neglect of this recently, but things have been pretty manic and over the last few days I've only been home to sleep pretty much. Probably not best seeing as I am in the middle of all my exams and haven't revised properly yet. I wish I cared more, I might get somewhere.

I seem to have missed the point of study leave as currently I've been at 18th birthday parties and just lazy in the sun with good company for the past few days, or working - so short of money it's unbelievable - the £70 pair of boots from Topshop may not have been best thing to buy this month! It is quite annoying those because the glorious sunshine has come out again (hello sunburn!) and I've been trying to revise in the sun but it's too hard. My brain cant concentrate in the heat, but I don't want to go inside because then I wont be getting a tan! History exam in a day and a bit - so screwed but I'm hoping I'll have a burst of inspiration in the exam room and remember everything about Stalin Russia and American Civil Rights..I can dream..

After a conversation I was having the other day about showing people you care, I realised how much words hurt.  I think I'm quite an affectionate person, I like to show people I care through things like hugging and whatever and when people show they care about me I understand physical affection more than words, it's harder to misunderstand a hug or get it twisted round in your head. I think words are such a delicate thing, they have to be chosen so carefully and said in just the right way so people understand them properly. I just think people can be so careless with words like people frequently use 'I love you' to others they don't actually really love, and yes I am being slightly hypocritical because I do it but surely that just emphasises my point? When it comes down to it telling someone I love them, in the proper sense, is really hard for me. In the two occasions when I believed I loved someone, I have never been the first to say it, even if I've felt it for ages. It's such a big thing I couldn't stand the rejection of them not saying it back, and even now when I say it I get scared it wont be said back. So words can be so fucking powerful, more than anything else in the world because they can be brutally honest, carelessly used, misunderstood, twisted..among other things. The best way to show someone you care is probably to say the words that are floating round your heart and mind when you think about them, the words that if they get rejected will clutch at your insides or if they are accepted it'll leave you in a state of shock. We all need a bit of honesty in our lives. When it comes down to it and I should express what I'm feeling through words, I can never find them. Or it takes me ages to find them and when I do it's too late. I need to invent a wire that people can plug into my head and understand what I'm thinking and what I want to say, but then sometimes my thoughts scare even more. I don't want to scare anyone.

I'm in a incredibly pensive and I hate it. I hate thinking about the stupidest things, I need to think about proper things like learning my History course and working out my budget for the month. But instead I sit and think about how ungrateful we are for the life we have, I have so many luxuries that some of the worlds population couldn't even dream of! And yet I never sit back and just be thankful for the roof over my head, the food I eat, the Internet I use..I just assume it will always be there. One of the main dreams is to go and do something for people in poverty, help build a well with clean drinking water, teach children in the Third World English, anything that will improve their lives in the slightest. I want to be able to give someone the hope in a better future that everyone deserves, instead of just taking everything for granted?
Anyway, Monday is seeming like a very long day for some reason probably because I've hardly slept and it's felt like afternoon all day because of the fan-bloody-tastic sunshine! I love summer, despite the fact I burn too easily, my hay fever goes mental and I get bitten to pieces, it makes me happy. I love waking up to clear skies, days of not doing anything and just enjoying life. Everyone is happy in the sun.
I got told today that everything is finally going to be changing, after over a year of waiting things are moving on. It's good, I think. So maybe by Christmas my life will be very different, we will see. I do like change, it keeps life interesting and shows us different ways to grow.
If you haven't heard it listen to Paramore - The Only Exception, I flipping love that song! Must have listened to it about 20times today alone. Also getting into The Fray again, think it's because they are pretty relaxing to listen to whilst your sat in the deck chair in the garden..
I hope you are all enjoying the sunshine, not getting to sun burnt and are happy.

Because today there have been too many words.

In A While Crocodile.

I Can Hear Your Heart Thumping

Hello.

Pizza, pancakes, filter coffee, talking, beer, playing pool, walking, driving, buying a car, finishing AS, cuddling, smiling, cinema, saying I love you, hearing I love you, long sleeps, baths, sunshine, having the urge to run, music, reading, day dreaming.. These are some of the things that have made the last few days amazing.
Finally plucked up the courage and said some of my thoughts out loud, very glad I did. Reassured me a lot and I realised how stupid I was being. I've decided that as reckless as giving something or someone everything you have is, it feels good. To have that trust, that faith in a happy ending. You only live once, the tears and heartbreak will only make you value everything else so much more.
This evening I saw the beauty in so many things, as cliche as that sounds. Things like feeling of crops brushing past you as you run, running your fingers down splits in a telegraph pole, the deepness of someones eyes, the clouds all coming from one point, the moon in the shape of a smile, the ache in your heart when you miss someone.
Something else that is looking rather wonderful right now is my bed. I am very tired.
One last thing, this blog is the first one in ages to have a title that isnt from song lyrics. It's a quote from this evening.

In A While Crocodile

Lie To My Face

Hello.

Sometimes I just cant find the words to say what I think/feel/see.

In A While Crocodile.

Me Or The Thought Of Me?

Hello.
For the observant ones amongst you, you'll have noticed my blog picture has changed slightly. A bit of 'photoshop pimping' done by a friend. I like it much more than the white writing before, but I couldn't not have a Blog Title so it has been changed to . so I could have my new picture. Also the dot looks a bit like a star so you cant really tell it's not meant to be there. It is kind of strange to think that now people occasionally read this, I'm actually ranting to a person not just big wide open sea of the cyberworld. But in all honesty, I'm not forcing you to read it so it's your own choice to be ranted at.
First drive ever today with the boyfriend. Was really nice, went with another friend on his bike and followed him round some of the less busy roads etc. A good 2hours, made me feel a lot more free, even though I wasn't the one driving and it's not like I can now go out whenever I like, but just sat next to someone, watching the world go by just because you can and want to feels so good. He is a good driver too, I feel really safe in the car and even though it was his first time out ever on his own it didn't feel like it. He made it seem so natural, like he'd been doing it for years. So now I just cant wait until that can be me. I want to have a stretch of open road ahead of me, letting it take me wherever it wants to. I want to go and see the world, see it through experiences and moments no one will ever have again. Oh take me to that moment now please?

I have a set of thoughts that wont go away, I tried reassuring myself by asking about it but I cant bring myself to trust the answer? I have so many questions that I want an honest answer to, it scares me what might be happening and I cant do anything to stop it. It cant be that hard to cut old ties, if they don't mean anything anymore? Unless they do, and cutting the tie would mean loosing something that never should have been lost in the first place. I don't want to be just filling a gap in time.

Britain is now in a hung parliament, politics are down right screwed for a while then. Well more than usual. Haven't caught up on the news since lunchtime so not sure where we are standing on the collation, Lib Dems and Tories or Lib Dems and Labour? I have given up now really. But I'm glad my friends think of the important things whilst important political speeches are being made at lunchtimes; playing cards and peep!

Oh in Rescue Me, I'm now on Chapter 16 and it's getting better! Being a male prostitute whilst laying in front of an open fire with your best friends girlfriend after whisking her away to Cornwall for a week as she was beat up by her drug dealer, sounds a pretty exciting life to me!

Time for bed, as in 12hours I'll already have been in work for nearly 3 hours and I have lots to do in the morning.

In A While Crocodile.

And You Should Be Free Of Me.

Hello.
Ever get the feeling you need to sleep for hours and hours? I came home at 6 today, by half past I was asleep in my pj's and only woke up at 9 by my phone ringing. It was quite lovely. Made me feel less ill and shaky as well so was well worth losing 3hours of very precious time! If I could have one wish it would be for just a few more hours in the day? Too many things to do at the moment.
I have found myself a good book, well someone lent me it. Rescue Me by Christopher Hart. To be perfectly honest it looked awful on first impression i.e the blurb and front cover, but as true as proverbs are 'Dont judge a book by it's cover' it is fantastic. Hilariously funny, pathetic and just generally brilliant at making you forget your surroundings. Exactly what I needed. Only up to Chapter 6 though, so will keep you informed if it gets better.
You really don't really how much you miss someone in your life until you have the chance to catch up no matter how briefly on the phone. When you can fall back into conversation like it never stopped and they make you smile just by talking, that's something you shouldn't let go. Hopefully our proper catch up will happen soon over dinner!
General election today, and if anyone wasted their vote. You are a twat. People were queuing to have their vote and you couldn't be arsed?! Exit polls at the moment are looking like it's going to be a hung parliament, which is just fantastic. Another crap government who cant get anything decent done! I hope Labour don't get the majority. Gordon Brown is just so awful. Lib Dems idea of releasing GBH offenders is just stupid. And Conservative just never change really. I suppose we just have to choose the less crap of the crap to be honest. 2014 is when I can finally vote, if it's not called sooner. And it cannot come quick enough! I want my say.
Just looking and typing at the laptop is making me feel dizzy again so I'm going to finish there.

In A While Crocodile.

The Fear You Wont Fall

Hello.
Before 8am this morning I had thought my arm was paralyzed, woke up wanting to cry and hit something for no reason, lost my iPod and was stupidly rude to people who care about me because of these things. Since then things have improved and I'm now going to bed in a good mood.
Since 8am this morning I have found out I was the only person who got an A on one side of my Psychology mock (other side yet to be marked), spent lots of time with friends I missed, said things that should have been said days ago, ate lots of calorific food, finally watched 500 Days of Summer and just generally realised that life is what you make it and what you see in it. I have a lot to be thankful for and so to everyone and everything that makes me smile even the tiniest bit;

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life. May 23rd was a Wednesday"
This is the first of two quotes from 500 Days of Summer. I loved the film, so much. Made all the bad thoughts and feelings of recent go away and just give me this utter sense of like, contentment. Think it's because it doesn't end how you expect, it's just so true to what actually happens in life. Anyway back to the quote.. I just love how it says most days are unremarkable, with no lasting memories and then the day it all changes is a Wednesday which tends to be a distinctively average day. The 23rd of May this year is a Sunday so I will write down whats happens on that day to see if it holds any importance.
"I love how she makes me feel, like anything's possible, or like life is worth it."
This is the second quote and it just sums up the importance one person can have on your life. When you have found someone that can make you feel like anything is possible and life is worth it, then you should hold on to that with everything you have. And believe me, right now I couldn't be holding on any tighter. I worked out the reason I get so worried about the smallest things is because I'm so scared that the smallest thing will change everything. But right now, at this very moment in time, I'm just focusing on how happy I truly am with him.
A positive post, as promised. I like being in this mood. Lets hope it stays.

In A While Crocodile.

We Are Okay. We Are Alright.

Hello.

My stupid pessimistic moods wont go away. I hate it, I want to go back to finding happiness in the tiniest of things but I can't. I have moved my 'It's a Beautiful Day' cup to by my mirror so when I get ready I see it every morning, and it'll remind me of happy memories and put me in a good mood. Fingers crossed. Also there are officially 9days left of my AS year which fills me with a combination of utter joy and complete stress that exams are less than 2 weeks away?! 
It is the end of the Bank Holiday weekend, I hope you all enjoyed the long weekend if you didn't have to work or anything! I had a gloriously lazy weekend, seeing the boyfriend (we made egg people and watched Tom and Jerry - children much?!) and going shopping and to the cinema with a friend. Date Night is a pretty funny film, some bits have too much talking in but on a whole it makes you laugh out loud and the outtakes are funny too. I also would like to ask Topshop to stop accepting my hard earned money on clothes that I really have no need for! It is very unfair that they make everything so tempting when I have to save for so much! Although I am quite proud of myself as I have managed to save £180 for driving lessons, even though I cant drive for another 4months and 7days, and £110 for my spending money when I go to Canada in the last two months! Not bad.

This is pretty much all I want right now: cup of black tea and a good book. Keep me distracted from the world for hours. I can't remember the last book I read that wasn't a revision guide or textbook. Give me a story full of cliches, twists or suspense. Anything that will create a fantastic make believe moment.

Do think it every occurs to people that when you say that what they are doing doesn't bother you, or you don't mind what they say, you might be lying? It might tear you up to hear that name come out of their mouth, no matter what their saying. Sometimes I doubt you even realise how scared I am about how long we have left before that big realization comes down and smacks you round the face.
Approximately 6hours and 45mins until I have to wake up..I shouldn't have left my jobs this late. Thankfully I am not tired! Must be getting on now though, and for the people that read this. I apologise, deeply and truely, for my negative posts recently. I will post a big shiny, colourful, happy blog sometime soon and you'll all turn round and say 'What a ray of fucking sunshine you are!' And yes. I really will be...at some point in the future, hopefully..maybe. Until then, throw pennies at my head.

In A While Crocodile.